Saturday, November 5, 2011

Out of place

Over the past year and half, I have felt out of place.  A decision was made and there will be no more babies in our house.  All of the blogs that I have followed about letting God have complete control of the size of our family leave me feeling inadequate as a wife and mother.  I still love reading them, because I learn some many neat things to help raise a small army.  But, it also leaves me with an empty feeling, because I know I will never again have the experience of holding my newborn in my arms for the first time.  I do enjoy each stage that the kiddos are in, but I also miss not having a precious little one around the house.  I have all of these "if only's" running through my mind about the decision that was made: "if only I had not been so stressed,"  "if only I had been a better wife,"  "if only I had been a better housekeeper."  About the time I think I'm overing it, the thoughts return and I'm back to feeling inadequate.  I get the question all the time, "Isn't it time for another baby?"  Yes, we probably would've had another one by now.  Jonathan turned 2 years old yesterday.  Can you believe that?!  I try to keep the feelings inside, because there really aren't many people around who understand, especially in this area.  There just aren't many large families around here.  So, I feel out of place.  When I am asked how many kids I have, other moms look at me like I have a second head when I tell them 7.  I just don't fit into their world.

Then there is the homeschooling world... another feeling of being inadequate.  Talk about making me feel like a failure!  I put my kids back in school.  I wasn't able to juggle all the levels plus life.  I miss my Hillians terribly.  But, I do rejoice in knowing that they are doing well.  Emi's reading has improved tremendously.  I know I made the right decision, but it still doesn't take away the sting of knowing I wasn't good enough to do it all.  I have read the books and blogs about how "moms of many" were able to juggle it all, and I wasn't able to do it.  They had help, either by a spouse, other family member, or tutor.  I didn't have that option.  Yes, there is a co-op around, but I have too many little ones to try to chase after to keep up with what they are doing.  I can't run here and there for this class or that class.  It just drove up my stress levels thinking about it.  There were videos they could've watched for classes, but my kids would have been bored to tears sitting through them.  I lost my motivation and was overwhelmed.  I tried to juggle things a lot longer than I should've.  So now, I'm out of place in the homeschool world.

Where does a wife of 18 years who is an ex-homeschooling mom of seven w/ three little ones still at home fit in?!  My days are filled with chasing little ones that can destroy something about as fast as you can fix it, not going to this play group or that.  By the end of the day, I'm exhausted and feel defeated by my lack of progress.  I know that I should be stronger and more disciplined.  I know my strength comes from God, all I have to do it ask for it.  I know all I have to do it go to the cross for answers.  But my "follow through" falls aparts, and the doubt creeps in.  Why can't I be stronger?!  Why can't I be a better wife and mother?!  Why can't I shake the feeling of being out of place?!  All I can do is pray that God will show me His ways and give me understanding of these days.

You wanted honesty, and you got it.  I have the "dark" days just like all other moms, no matter how big or small the family.  I know one day I will look back, and my kids will be grown.  I pray that I can become the wife and mother that God wants me to be, and I will finally enjoy the feeling of NOT being out of place. 


Goin_Coastal said...

I love you. I'm kinda in an "out of place" place myself at the moment. I won't way I begin to understand your "areas", but feel for you just the same. Way do we beat ourselves up? I'll share my mantra, and maybe it'll give some peace ~ "LET GO, LET GOD!" Decision that were made, are made. Water under the bridge. "Let go, let God". Love those Hillians ~ and you should be very proud of your wonderful army. They are terrific people!

KGGx5 said...

Just remember: you may not "fit in" now but you will. I am surviving some of those areas and am still flailing around in others. The hardest thing can sometimes be understanding that God is with you. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel because I only recently got a glimpse of it. I wish I could offer a definitive encouragement of some kind but all I can say is that you are not alone and you will be in my prayers.

Julie said...

Char, *HUGZ* I am so sorry you are feeling this way. My heart hurts for you as I realize the "norm" as people may think it should be that does not fit you. Stop trying to wear so many hats... you have to do what is right for you and your family at that moment! You are a humble, loving, devoted, determined, and honorable mother/wife! I admire your honesty.... I know that things are different, but life is about change. I love you girl, I hope I have encouraged you.... you are such a great friend and I am here if you need me!
Love ya, Julie

mhsands said...

Girl drop to your knees and be thankful! I don't think I would have ever gotten to 7, but I certainly wish we could have had 1 more (okay, maybe 2). But, God had other plans for us. I am so thankful for my one little turkey... I can only imagine how full your heart must be with your gang.

Anonymous said...

This post made me cry because I feel I am in a very similar place, even though I only have 5 children. I feel very inadequate & stressed some days, too. Just know you're not alone. Thanks for your transparency. God knew I needed to read this today.

Mom of the Hillians said...

I am so glad that this post helped you. You aren't alone. I still feel overwhelmed some days, but I know God is faithful and will help me through my trials.