Thursday, June 4, 2009

Hold on... gonna be a deep one!

First, I want to say thank you for all the prayers this week for my headache. It has been so much better. I thank God for having family and friends like you all in my life. I also want to thank you for all the offers to help out w/ the little Hillians this week. We have survived the week, even though there were a few times I thought I was gonna pull my hair out. It was a hard week without my right & left hands (Andrew & Laura) here, but I know they needed a break from all the chaos of Hill household. They deserve the time to just hang out w/ friends and have a chance to grow in the Lord w/ others their ages. I thank God we are financially able to send them to camp.

Okay, now for the deep stuff. Lissa and I had a wonderful chat on the phone yesterday. I have to say that I am blessed to have her as a sister-in-law. She can be very headstrong, but then I'm the same way. I know you are having a hard time seeing that in both of us, but just take my word for it. Anyhoo, we were talking about the kids and daily life. She made a comment... or it was more of a question about how I cope w/ all the kids and everything going on around here. Yes, I do have days where I question my sanity for having such a large family. Yes, I do have days where I am ready to pull my hair out, throw my hands in the air, and yell, "I'm done, I quit!" There are days when I really don't want to get out of bed, b/c I don't want to deal w/ the tasks that are ahead of me. I get STRESSED out... I rant... I rave... I blow my top over small stuff that really shouldn't matter... I have little patience. I'm human! Does that excuse my behavior? NO! It is during those times that I feel God tapping me on my shoulder. Is He yelling at me? No. He is standing there w/ His arms wide open, waiting for me to stop trying to control things and to put my trust in Him. It is when I am the most stressed out that I can stop and see that I am trying to move Him out of the driver's seat so I can take control.

I have felt so bad this week. I have had my crying spells. My emotions have been all over the place. Yes Lissa, I have THOSE days. I have been so upset w/ Mike, b/c he left for work w/o kissing me goodbye. Well, I went into our room w/ Luke, so he probably thought I was trying to get him to sleep... even though I was only taking a quick potty break before putting Luke in his own bed to take a nap. He knows how frustrated I get when I'm trying to get Luke down for a nap and someone comes into the room or calls. I was so short w/ him earlier that I wouldn't blame him if he just left for work b/c he didn't want the attitude. But then he called later that evening to check on us. And of course, my cold heart melted. I am so blessed. Mike has rode the pregnancy hormone rollercoaster w/ me many times. I have to remind myself that Mike faces his own frustrations and stresses. He supports our growing family by himself. He gets up every day to work these crazy shifts just so that I can be home w/ our kids. He keeps things fun around here, so the kids aren't stuck w/ old serious Mama all the time. Mike needs me to be there to help him as much as I need him. I am trying to stop when I get so frustrated w/ him, and instead of blowing my top, to say a prayer for him.

I have been second guessing whether I should post this or not. You guys really will think I'm crazy now. But then, I don't ever want someone to think that I'm something that I'm not. I deal w/ the same things other moms deal w/ each day. I just have a bigger crew at home. I am far from being the perfect wife or the perfect mother or most important perfect child of God. He has to get my attention all the time for things that I know better than to do or say. There are so many days that I have to go outside and pray for His help when things aren't running smoothly. The kids probably think I'm talking to myself when I'm hanging out clothes on the line, but I'm praying. I'm praying for strength, understanding, patience, endurance, and peace. Please continue to pray for me that I will be the child of God, wife, and mother that He wants me to be.
Love y'all bunches!


Samantha Keyfauver said...

We all have that fear of not living up to the expectations that God has for us. You are awesome for posting this! It is my daily prayer that I will handle the situations that arise in a way that is honorable to him, but I fail...A LOT! Glad to hear that you are feeling better...I was so hoping that you would send me a girl...oh well...maybe next time:0)

Goin_Coastal said...

*LOL* Me, too. Send me a girl. I don't know what to do with boys ~ God bless you, Charity, in all you do, and strive to be. You are all in my prayers every day, and are a blessing to all around you, truly.

Julie_3 said...

Charity, I just love you girl! You are always so true to what God has called you to do. I am so thankful for the nursery times we have shared at VBS, I think that is when I really started to see you as the person God has intended for you to be. I am thankful for your honesty, cuz yeah sometimes it seems like you have it all together.
I am guilty of standing at the line complaining... I will have to try that prayer thing at the line. Maybe my days could be better? I know that nobody is as perfect as they seem, but girl you are so close!
I admire that you never give up and that you hang in there with your kids, I was once so offended by someone saying "Charity's pregnant again" I snapped and said well at least she takes care of her kids and doesn't drop them off here, there and yonder for others to raise for her! Ok, I was probably having PMS that day, but it humors me to know they will probably NEVER say that again!

mhsands said...

Girl, you know how to start the tears! This was just the best post ever! Actually, I'm glad you keep having those kiddos (that way there is always a baby around, I can love them, fill them up with sugar and then go home)! LOL! Thanks for not telling everyone that I hid in the closet! :)

Julie_3 said...

Charity you are obligated to share the closet story now!!!!

Mom of the Hillians said...

Melissa will have to share the closet story if she wants. My lips are sealed!