Friday, August 26, 2016

Rambling from the heart...

What a day!!  I'm not sure what really happened to make it an exhausting/stressful day, but it has left me drained mentally and physically.  As I was folding the clothes on my bed a few minutes ago so I could go to sleep in my bed tonight, my mind was racing with so many things.  Wait a minute... you don't throw the clean clothes on your bed, so it forces you to fold them before bed instead of letting them sit on the couch?! Hmmmm.... And yes, there are clothes on my couch that Emi put there yesterday.... or the day before.  Don't judge me!  I know I'm not a domestic diva. Maybe one day I will get my crap together. Until then, like it or leave it.  This is real life in the Hillian household.

Now back to my overactive mind and exhausted body.  For much too long I have almost given up on so many areas of my life and just let life happen to me.  I have been too tired to fight or really care about what was going on around me. I have yelled, screamed like a crazy woman, cried, or maybe just stayed silent.  I have shut down in parts of my life and just survived the passing of each day.  But through this overactive brain of mine, tonight I tossed around some truly amazing things even in what can seem like the darkest times.

First of all, I am SOOOO undeserving of God's love and grace; BUT, He loves me anyway.  His love doesn't come with conditions.  He doesn't stop loving me, because I'm not the perfect child, wife, mother, or friend.  He doesn't stop loving me!!!  And His Grace..... oh His Grace!!!  Even when I have a really bad day and say or do things that aren't pleasing to Him, He extends grace. Yes, my actions hurt Him during those times and I'm not free from the consequences of my actions, but He forgives me and comforts me when I come to Him with a truly repentant heart.  He doesn't hold my shortcomings over my head.  When He forgives, He forgets and love me fully.  How amazing is that?!

Secondly, no matter how bad things are, they can always be worse.  There are so many families hurting right now.  I saw my best friend since Kindergarten today.  Just a few short weeks ago, she lost her sister, who was like an older sister to me. I can't imagine the pain she feels.  I know the pain of losing someone I love dearly, but I've never lost a sibling.  As much as I have tried to put myself in her shoes, I can't comprehend that loss.  Another friend is sitting in the hospital with her son while her husband is taking care of their two younger children at home.  Her son has multiple health problems.  I can't imagine the daily stresses her family endures.  Yes, I have been in a situation where we have almost lost a child to a serious illness, but Laura recovered and is healthy today.  I can't imagine what she is going through.

No matter how bad/stressful marriage can be, I know I do have an amazing husband and I don't deserve him.  I am so blessed that God saw fit to let us keep Mike longer.  Things could have turned out differently a little over two years ago.  Mike works hard for our family even when he doesn't feel like it.  He isn't perfect, but neither am I.  I know that is a shocker to some of you to find out I'm not perfect.  I promise you will recover from this letdown.  I am blessed that even through all my faults, Mike has stood beside me.  There have been times when it would've been easier just to go our separate ways.  By the world's standards, we could've justified a divorce.  But, we have fault our way through the difficult times.  Something I am learning with each year is that marriage is HARD!  You can't EVER go on autopilot. It takes MAJOR effort on both parts.  I am really having to pray that God will grow me into the wife that Mike needs and deserves.  People tell me all the time that they admire us.  I'm here to say, don't put us on a pedestal.  We have our problems just like everyone else.  We have our days that we don't like each other, and we don't want to be in the same house with each other.  Just when I am ready to call it quits and throw in the towel, God sends someone along to let us know that people are watching us.  No, people shouldn't put their faith in us, because are imperfect, sinful people just like everyone else.  But those people are God's way of reminding me that we are to be an example of Him.  What kind of damage is done to see people that you love and respect and look up to for guidance?  What are we telling couples that are just starting out by throwing in the towel and taking the easy way out?  That love/marriage isn't worth fighting for?  How many marriage foundations would be on shaky ground?  No, your marriage foundation shouldn't be built on my marriage success.  But the damage of divorce and the ripple effect will last for GENERATIONS to come.  So I have to resolve to fight to keep my marriage intact like my children's lives depend on it, because in all honesty, it does.  No matter the age, a child's life changes when divorce tears a family part.  Yes, God can bring healing, but Satan is right there throwing doubt at each opportunity he gets.

I have been blessed with seven great children that I birthed, and two chosen children- one added through marriage, one added through dating for an extended period of time.  We don't always see eye-to-eye on different things, but I truly hope they know I love each of them with all my heart. Homeschooling five Hillians can be enough to make a person want to drink.  Most days, I wonder if I'm doing them justice.  But then I think about all the time I wouldn't get to spend with them if they were in a traditional school setting.  And what if homeschooling isn't about growing them as much as it is about God growing me.  I have been pondering that a lot lately.  Sending them off to school each morning would be so much easier for me. I would have time to pursue things I would love to do.  But maybe God is growing that patience in me that everyone seems to think I have. No people, I am not a patient person.  I am learning what battles are worth fighting though.

I do have a business that I can work around my schedule.  It is nowhere near where I would like it to be, but that is my fault.  I am reading a book by the title No Excuses! The Power of Self-Discipline by Brian Tracy. I know I have to discipline myself to do the work even when I don't feel like it.  One of the things it keeps talking about is accepting responsibility for my actions in everything.  I am responsible for my life, not Mike, the Hillians, or family/friends.  I can make excuses or choices. But I am responsible for that. I have the ability to make changes and take my business as high as I'm willing to work.  It isn't going to build itself.

I think my brain is finally starting to shut down.  I can barely keep my eyes open.  I guess writing has helped get things off my mind.  I hope I haven't bored you to death.  I had forgotten how therapeutic writing is to me.  I'm going to bed before my brain decides to wake up again.

Love you bunches!



Alicia said...

wow, it has been so long since your last post. It looks like lots has happened. Good to see your post and hear about you and your family. Isn't life fun?

Mom of the Hillians said...

Yes, it is fun!